There are 5 things that I always wanted to try as a couple. Although I asked, we were never able to pull it off.
1. Incense talks - sensual and romantic talks about anything
2. Romantic movie - you hate romantic movies and threatened not to watch it, you'd wait outside the cinema for me
3. Prepare a meal together for each other - we're just so busy and too sleepy
4. Watch a play or a musical or theatrical stand-up comedies
5. Kissing in the rain - I'm such a sucker for romance
In our lives we have a gazillion things to do. In our thirties most women start families and another gazillion things add up. Like your bills extend outside your roof and everything else doubles or triples. But its funny how people still make it through life and have fun.
Sometimes we forget about the more important things.
Or maybe what's important to me is ordinary to you, then that would make a lot of sense. I probably just refuse to get it.
My problems feel enormous lately. Something inside feels helpless and trapped. I used to think that any challenge I can rise up to because I have my soul intact. Now I feel like a zombie living my life with waves lashing at me at every direction. I long for release and relaxation. Everything is so tight and its so hard to breathe. So what's keeping me crazy?
1. no electricity
2. need quick money gain to pay off debts
3. work sucks big time
4. school pressure is on
5. always pressed with time
6. there is absolutely no way to go to the beach
7. badet has the flu
8. glen is having money issues
9. i'm running low on excuses why I should love myself
10. physical beauty attracts and i'm losing it
Right now I really need the punching bag...no matter how i tell myself that everything is cool, its not. Something is terribly wrong and im out of ideas how to face them. I feel so tired.
I feel sad when generally I should be happy. Something seems wrong and I can't put my finger on it. It will soon unravel itself as all things presents themselves in due time.
I miss him. He has already left for work. I miss making love to him. We use to make love almost everyday but lately it's once a week. Sometimes I feel really ugly because of this. Maybe I got tired of making the move most of the time. I had to see if he'll make the move like the first time. Nothing compares to the first time I guess.
There are times when I wonder who it is he thinks about when we make love or when he does it alone. We all have our fantasies. Maybe it will be easier for me to understand if its not him I fantasize about. Maybe I should try someone else but I know it won't work.
Yesterday we logged in to his flickr account and read his mails. I saw one of his contacts there was Joey. And she's the girl who got him excited about wushu. I wonder if it's just wushu that got him excited. He obviously wrote her a letter first. I saw him write it when we were in TGK yet I kept my mouth shut. It hurt a lot because he doesn't write letters. He told me so. He said he writes letters when he really needs to. So put two and two together only spells hurt for me. And I saw exchanges in his inbox and sent mail and also what I didn't see were the letters he probably already deleted.
Now I'm back to thinking if this is really it. There was a time I was so sure. But we can never be really sure I guess. I still want to be married but I'm thinking really deep now. It's different to dream about marriage than to be actually in it. I feel he's really not ready for another one. I really must be just a girlfriend with whom he has a kid.
I'm trying to pick myself up again and accomplish things on my own. I feel the shift in our relationship and I see that he's also trying to make it as exciting as it used to be. But I don't want to be caught off guard if things don't happen the way I wished they would.
I feel a certain loneliness that I haven't figured out yet. Maybe it is frustration or the feeling of being left behind. Or not being able to talk to anyone about the things I feel and think about.
Maybe after everything I am still alone. I still cry alone anyway.
i love all my friends
Celtic Princess
Meme
Jar
Mistress Ice
Best
RoNa
Ligaya
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sweet memories
wishes