The Perfect Beach
I am looking for the perfect beach...for my wedding of course! Hah! It doesn't matter that the guy hasn't proposed (at all) if he doesn't marry me then at least I'm prepared for the next one.
I think I like the beach in Carles, Iloilo (well based from the photos) and I'd like the sandbar part so that I can walk on it on the way to the altar (or wherever the minister or pastor is).
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Of rings and wedding rings
I went walking without direction and I stumbled upon a shop selling rings...wedding rings mostly. There were many designs and as much as I wanted to go in and peek at the lovely choices I felt a deep shame. I knew in my heart it would be pointless. Even if I find the best choice, the best ring, I will not be able to buy it. Would it still be there if my time comes?
This year I'm having trouble with my priorities...with so many things that I want to happen...I guess I must choose the more logical one which is to find ways to earn money to pay for the annulment, then second is keeping money for the australian visa or wherever...then work hard to earn money so I can buy a lot that spells the beach life. Then maybe I can get married or maybe just remain like this or whatever I choose it to be.
So really what's the point of staring into rings that may never mean marriage for me? I can buy one of those after a few months of saving...then I'll wear one...then what?
Then I walk away from the store thinking I have more important things to think about...other dreams to pursue...
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Even Angels Fall
I look at myself at the mirror lately and the fat in my tummy keeps bulging as if I'm 5 months pregnant. I'm disgusted. No matter how much I tell myself I'm beautiful I don't feel so convinced. More so that I know you like sexy girls, with costumes too, and I bet you fantasize about them.
I like the kinky stuff too but I don't think it so kinky if a big girl wear fantasy costumes.
I feel so insecure and so inferior. I swear if I shed off 20 pounds I'd like the world to see it so they know about it.
I feel so empty. I can't seem to finger where all my thoughts went so wrong. Where did my innocence of love go? Why am I so threatened? Why do I fear losing you so much?
What happened to all the beauty that I possess? Covered with fat? Or covered with indifference?
I am such an emotional loser...I can't hold it in. I'll starve myself to death. Or maybe I should just stop competing with other women in your life.
Maybe then I'll see a better picture of myself that will please me, without the agony of jealousy and competition.
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pressure!
nagsisisi nako. i don't want to be a photographer anymore. mula nung nagtrabaho ako sa studio napapadalas na mga tampo mo at galit saken. ang baba na nga ng sweldo dun tapos nagaaral pa ko, den magaalaga pa ko ng mga bata kasi ramdam ko sa mga sinasabi mo na napapabayaan ko sila. wala na nga ako oras para sa sarili ko. tapos madalas pa OT. pagdating ko sa bahay iisipin ko ang baon mo at makikipaglaro sa mga bata kasi miss ko sila. patay katawan ko lagi kaya hayok sa tulog.
pero kulang pa rin ako. magulo ang kwarto mo, di maayos mga damit mo, makalat pa rin gamit kahit pinapalinis mo saken, andami ko kailangan tahiin na di ko na nagagawa, mga documents na kailangan mo na di ko napapadala, andaming bills na di nababayaran on time.
minsan di ko kaya ang pressure. tulad nagyon.
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A very sad day
Today is a very sad day. Nothing is working out right. Even you seem to have issues with me too. The rest I think I can handle...except you. And that's why today is a very sad day.
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5 Things I wish
There are 5 things that I always wanted to try as a couple. Although I asked, we were never able to pull it off.
1. Incense talks - sensual and romantic talks about anything
2. Romantic movie - you hate romantic movies and threatened not to watch it, you'd wait outside the cinema for me
3. Prepare a meal together for each other - we're just so busy and too sleepy
4. Watch a play or a musical or theatrical stand-up comedies
5. Kissing in the rain - I'm such a sucker for romance
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So Many Things We Have To Do
In our lives we have a gazillion things to do. In our thirties most women start families and another gazillion things add up. Like your bills extend outside your roof and everything else doubles or triples. But its funny how people still make it through life and have fun.
Sometimes we forget about the more important things.
Or maybe what's important to me is ordinary to you, then that would make a lot of sense. I probably just refuse to get it.
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