Fairytale Wedding

Tuesday, October 03, 2006 10:29 PM

Lonely Girl

I feel sad when generally I should be happy. Something seems wrong and I can't put my finger on it. It will soon unravel itself as all things presents themselves in due time.

I miss him. He has already left for work. I miss making love to him. We use to make love almost everyday but lately it's once a week. Sometimes I feel really ugly because of this. Maybe I got tired of making the move most of the time. I had to see if he'll make the move like the first time. Nothing compares to the first time I guess.

There are times when I wonder who it is he thinks about when we make love or when he does it alone. We all have our fantasies. Maybe it will be easier for me to understand if its not him I fantasize about. Maybe I should try someone else but I know it won't work.

Yesterday we logged in to his flickr account and read his mails. I saw one of his contacts there was Joey. And she's the girl who got him excited about wushu. I wonder if it's just wushu that got him excited. He obviously wrote her a letter first. I saw him write it when we were in TGK yet I kept my mouth shut. It hurt a lot because he doesn't write letters. He told me so. He said he writes letters when he really needs to. So put two and two together only spells hurt for me. And I saw exchanges in his inbox and sent mail and also what I didn't see were the letters he probably already deleted.

Now I'm back to thinking if this is really it. There was a time I was so sure. But we can never be really sure I guess. I still want to be married but I'm thinking really deep now. It's different to dream about marriage than to be actually in it. I feel he's really not ready for another one. I really must be just a girlfriend with whom he has a kid.

I'm trying to pick myself up again and accomplish things on my own. I feel the shift in our relationship and I see that he's also trying to make it as exciting as it used to be. But I don't want to be caught off guard if things don't happen the way I wished they would.

I feel a certain loneliness that I haven't figured out yet. Maybe it is frustration or the feeling of being left behind. Or not being able to talk to anyone about the things I feel and think about.

Maybe after everything I am still alone. I still cry alone anyway.

thoughts of love
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